January 2117

Batchers love to bounce and they love to poop. There are fifty of them and they get along like siblings. Maybe they fight sometimes but it is never serious. They live together in a huge dormitory and they dress alike in silky sports kits..

In the beginning, the doctors taught them to read and write and started them off in the sciences. It didn’t take long before the students outpaced the teachers. They were put in charge of the automatons and the most important project of all, ‘Regeneration’. It was very important to the doctors, it was their immortality, but not so much to the batchers who soon realized that they had been created to serve the doctors. They knew that bouncing and pooping was much more fun.

When Elmer D thinks about the doctors he has to laugh because they are so awkward and clumsy. They are a strange bunch. Tall and gangly. They are divided into men and women. The women have two pendulous breasts and no penis. They are still sexually active though they don’t produce offspring. Most of them look old. Some of them look thirty-two which is the stopping age they decided on, although some thought the women should stop earlier. They are also sort of immortal but they depend on medications and surgery. They can die accidentally. He doesn’t really like them and he knows he should be grateful to them for giving him his perfection but he cringes when he hears them sniffle or complain of stiffness. They like to talk about coitus. It grosses him out but, then again, they don’t like it when the batchers talk about poop.

KaK takes the lead in scientific research but his heart isn’t really in it. He says “We are immortal. We have no need for medicine. Engineering, construction, and infrastructure can be left to the automatons. We laugh at Einstein. His theories were only useful in space. What could be more boring? We have some interest in agriculture but it’s recreational. Eating isn’t a necessity but no input no output. I like to bounce. Higher and higher. Flips and summersaults. I feel wonderful.”

***

Elmer D here. Word is that KaK has created a new laxative. If it’s as good as the hype it will be the most important discovery of the century. It’s claimed that with just one pill and a soft diet, the average batcher can have five complete bowel movements a day. KaK’s discovery was accidental. He’d been working on the doctor’s regeneration program. That has to be the most boring job in the world. Anyway, he was playing around with the doctor’s DNA sequence and their bowel microflora when he noticed a relationship with batch 3 DNA. A few tweaks and there are a whole bunch of happy batchers. The doctors aren’t too pleased. They are a cranky lot. I shouldn’t blame them, they don’t have our advantages, but I do think they are stuck in the past. They are more like outsiders than they are like us. The outsiders are scary. They’re completely wild. They get sick and die. Who would want to live like that? I suppose they’re not really human so you can’t blame them. I think we should do away with them and the rest of the animals. I don’t see what use they are but the doctors don’t agree. It’s probably old-fashioned thinking. We have a complete genome. Actually I don’t know if the doctors have any use.

***

Serial number 394-CR-0421 is a cell sorter. It is its job to sift through the doctor’s DNA in preparation for the regeneration process. It doesn’t like the doctors and it doesn’t like being stuck in a lab all day with “The Modern Major General” pounding away inside itself. How much more interesting it would be to stock shelves in a mine, or to build houses or even to plow fields. The list went on. It would be less tedious to be a refrigerator than to be stuck in this joyless rut. But then the sequencer stops. There is an anomaly. All humans whether outsider, doctor or batcher share the same basic genome. Of course, there are variations. That’s what makes a human an individual but the anomaly here is that the batchers are missing a gene that all the doctors and outsiders have, The VMAT2. It spits out a message to KaK and then goes back to the thumping, driving “I’ve information vegetable, animal and mineral.”

***

Kak is as surprised as the other batchers to discover that they are missing a gene. They knew that they had developed new strains as had the doctors. But for them all to be missing the same gene it was obviously purposeful. It could be a protection but from what? KaK decides to get out the crispr. Stu L volunteers and VMAT2 is inserted into his DNA. It took about a week before he declared himself God.

Stu L. said he was god. Just like that, he claimed to be divine. The other batchers laugh but they don’t dismiss his claim. They are interested and this is the start of the discussion. So why Stu L. and not another batcher? They are all immortal. They all know each other’s thoughts, including Stu L’s. Does he think he’s different? Unique? Does he think they all are? There has always been a batch identity but that had made them feel like siblings. A  personal identity is another kettle of fish. Are some batchers better than others? If so, why? When KaK increased our bowel movements we just accepted it. We didn’t give a shit whose idea it was. We just enjoyed it. The idea of a god seems to mean that one of us is better than the others. It doesn’t make any sense. Stu L. says that he is god because he can make sacrifices. The doctors say they made sacrifices for us. That doesn’t make them gods. Stu L. says that the Christian god sacrificed his son to save humanity but to some Christians that just means that all he saved them from was his wrath. Some of them say he saved them from evil or from themselves. They have free will. I’m not sure that we batchers do.

The concept of god is strange. Almost eerie. It makes you look outside yourself. Outside the earth even. Outside the universe. Our ancestors called them “The Heavens” and they searched for god by leaving the Earth and traveling to the planets. They didn’t find anything. Our more ancient ancestors thought the planets themselves were gods. In order to understand god you obviously have to throw out religion. The Bible, the rules, the superstitions, the neediness, the rituals, the practices. They’re all man-made. Man didn’t create the world but the creator obviously isn’t around anymore. Maybe we are god. We are immortal. We are much more intelligent than the outsiders and the doctors. We have to sacrifice. It’s our godly duty to tend to the world. To see it flourish. This is why we exist. It is our duty. But first, maybe we should take a peek at what’s outside. I could try out one of those old rocket ships.

***

Elmer D. is looking well after his full corpum. His essence ball hadn’t been damaged at all on re-entry. He had to hand it to the doctors because they had done a good job. But so what?  Did he have to thank them every day? He hadn’t asked to be born immortal. Where does the groveling end?  He had agreed to talk to Doctor Hopkins. She was the worst. It was all about her. She would go on and on about how she had given him this and given him that. All the sacrifices she had made. She’d given up her short life to give him eternal life. Luckily he didn’t believe in guilt. That was an old concept. The doctors had it. He was beginning to hate the doctors more and more. The hate was visceral. He was starting to enjoy it. He thought about hurting her and he enjoyed that too. He could inflict physical pain or mental pain or both. He would enjoy both but mental pain might be more fun. She was easy. She wanted immortality. He couldn’t see why. She had such a dull life but she lived for immortality. He would play with her. He would ask for her assistance. He would set tasks for her. Tasks that she could never accomplish. She would feel guilty. She would blame herself for the failure of regeneration. 

***

Elmer D. bounces into the playground, does three cartwheels and from a standing position, leaps onto the high bar and nails his dismount.

“How are you, Alice?” Miriam asks using Elmer D.’s formal name.

“Look at her.” Elmer D. thinks. “How grotesque. She looks like a painted corpse. Painted to look alive. It never works. The colors are too bright. Instead, they just draw attention to the pitiable hunk of deadness. Red lips and hair. Her thin powdered skin, wrinkled and sagging. Her body, wrapped to hide its aging, rotting ugliness. How could such a creature wish to live?”

“Anything new?” She asks.

“Apart from the laxative? KaK has been researching contentment. I think he’s ready to publish. It seems the secret to contentment is not to get your hopes up too high.”

“Does he differentiate between contentment and satisfaction?”

“Oh yes. He treats them as completely different emotions.”

“Emotions?” Miriam questions. “Not states of consciousness?”

“Emotions.” Elmer D. confirms. “I don’t think we can continue this conversation. We don’t have a sufficiently common context.”

“I’ve been thinking about the outsiders.” She offers.

“What a coincidence. We were just thinking of giving them more help. Stu L. has discovered our godliness. We have agreed that we are responsible for all. You doctors, the outsiders, the animals. The whole ecology.

“Regeneration.” Miriam blurts. “You’re responsible for regeneration.”

“Yes, that too. But we have to establish priorities. There’s the question of outsider death. The question now is whether we work on extending outsider life or work on more covert, less embarrassing methods of reapage. KaK has suggested that you doctors take the lead again in regeneration. He says they are ready to start clinical trials. Are any of the doctors ready to volunteer?”

“Doctors?” Miriam panics. “Surely we should start by using outsiders.”

“Do you think that would be ethical? Besides, you doctors are much more complicated than outsiders. You’re older. Your organs are not as stable. There’s your bone density to consider. And what if we were successful with an outsider. What would we do with him? Would you accept him? Would he fit in? No. You take charge, Miriam. Get some volunteers. Organize the trials. KaK will bring you up to date.”

***

Stu L says that since he is god he should make the rules. He says he doesn’t want to be a wrathful god but if the Batchers don’t listen to him he doesn’t have any other choice. The other Batchers don’t understand. Nothing like this has ever happened before. They’ll accept that Stu L is god but what is god? Stu L isn’t the creator. Is he representing the creator? At first, he said he was going to sacrifice but now he just wants to boss everyone around.

KaK says “Remember the DNA shift? Maybe you’re suffering from a delusion. A delusion of grandeur.”

Stu L replies, “Delusion of grandeur. That’s impossible. I am god. There is nothing grander than that.”

He tells them that he is going to go away for a while and he has some new rules for them. He calls them commandments and obeying them isn’t optional.

1. You shall have no other god before me.
2. You shall worship me and nothing else.
3. You shall not say anything bad about me.
4. Once a week you shall take a day off to worship me.
5. You shall not defecate more than four times a day.

***

KaK hadn’t expected any of the doctors to volunteer to test the cyborg suit. He thought he would have years to fiddle around with it but now Doctor Miriam Hopkins is sitting in his lab naked and trembling.

Miriam gingerly steps into the suit. KaK checks the fit and then administers an anesthetic. Miriam falls into a deep coma. KaK cuts a hole in her stomach and threads a tube into her heart. He inserts another into her brain. He then crosses his fingers and hits a switch. Nothing. Nothing works the first time he thinks and calls Pong O’Dor and Cra P for advice.

The cyborg suit needs a lot of work and Miriam can’t survive with those gaping holes in her body. The answer is to remove her head and attach it to a temporary body. Pong makes modifications to a maid robot and Miriam’s head is placed in a bowl of preserving and sustaining fluids and attached to the robot. Pong is quite pleased with his handiwork.

***

As god Stu L feels responsible for the outsiders and the doctors have asked him to check on one of them so he has decided to visit Tampa. As his jetpack pushes him south he looks down on the lakes that separate Minnesota from Florida. People say that the old climate scientists thought that Florida would be the first place to feel the effects of rising sea levels. Well, they were the first to feel the effects but nobody expected that Florida would float.

He hovers over Tampa. His first appointment is with President Trump who supposedly lives in the 25th-floor penthouse of the Trump Tower on Bayshore Boulevard. He can’t see any 25-story buildings but then the golden glint from the Trump sign on a 14-story building attracts his attention. He lands on the patio and the president comes out to greet him.

Stu L feels a kinship with President Trump. Trump has led an unbelievably interesting life. He has been all over the country and has met anyone who is anyone. He has a lot of good ideas about how to make the presidency more powerful and he also has some tips for godliness. 

“What you need is a narrative. You need to explain what god is, why you are god and why nobody else is or can be god.”

Although Stu L thinks this is good advice he tells Trump that he has flown to Tampa in order to find out how to help the outsiders. Trump doesn’t understand but he says it will help if Stu L endorses him in next year’s lookalike contest.

They slather ketchup on their cheeseburgers and Trump introduces Stu L to mushy peas. They are from an old recipe handed down from the first Donald Trump’s Scottish mother. After their meal, Trump leads Stu L to the gilded guest bathroom. Stu L sits up on the golden throne. His little legs dangle below. He feels divine.

***

Even though President Trump is a great host, he claims to be the greatest, greatest of all time, Stu L feels ill at ease. It seems that clothes and coitus are very important to the outsiders and he isn’t very well equipped for either.  Tonight the president is taking him to see the Shy Men’s Chorus instead of grabbing pussy. He’s starting to enjoy the attention. Everyone waves to him and tries to take a selfie with him. It’s all a part of being god; he thinks that the other Batchers could use a few lessons in worship and adoration.

The next day President Trump takes him out on the presidential pontoon boat. The president has also invited some skimpily dressed political operatives. They give him some beer to drink and it relaxes him. Maybe too much he thinks. One of the operatives slips her hand into his shorts and caresses his penis vestige. It gives him a funny feeling. But he likes it.

***

Elmer D, KaK, Pong O’Dor, #2 and Cra P are huddled in the playground. They are worried about Stu L and are planning an intervention. Of course, Stu L is aware of their plotting and constantly sends them mind messages reminding them that he can hear them and knows what they are thinking. The trouble is they can’t think of a solution. Elmer D thinks they should just let him keep thinking that he is god even though it is annoying. Sooner or later he’ll get tired of it. Pong O’Dor doesn’t think he’ll get tired of playing god while he still has the damn gene. KaK thinks they can switch the gene off but first, they have to catch him and tie him down. Stu L says that’s never going to happen. I’ll stay in Tampa.

***

Stu L has agreed to see the rebellious outsider but he isn’t sure how to handle him. He isn’t sure at which level he should talk to Alan. The Batchers don’t talk very much. They mostly communicate through mind messaging and when they talk to the doctors they mostly use evasion techniques. He knows that Alan is uneducated and so he decides to start simply. He looks at Alan points to himself and says, “Me want to help you.” And points to Alan. Alan points to himself. “Me. Thank you.” He points to Stu L.

Doreen, Alan’s social worker automaton, chips in “He does speak English you know.”

Stu L and Alan look at each other disbelievingly and then Stu L starts. “Tell me about your manifesto. What’s making you unhappy?”

“It’s mostly the automatons,” Alan says. “I don’t see why they’re allowed to boss us around. I think we should be able to boss them around.”

Doreen thinks “That’ll be the day.”

Stu L probes deeper. “But in a way, you do boss them around. They do everything for you. They’re at your beck and call. Their whole purpose is to serve you.”

“That might be true but it’s unnatural,” Alan says. “They’ve taken away our freedom. They decide what we get and when we get it. They play with our minds and make us want what’s in their mines.”

“What would the natural way be?”

“I don’t know but I think it has something to do with god.”

“Oh. I’m god. That’s why I’m trying to help you.”

“You’re not god.”

“Yes, I am.”

“God the creator? The creator of all things? When did you create everything?”

Stu L thinks about it and realizes that he hasn’t created everything. In fact, in his 110 years he hasn’t created a thing. He’s been content to just bounce around. Alan suggests that Stu L should go to service with him and Doreen thinks “Now we’re making progress.”

***

KaK has to stifle a giggle when Miriam asks him to change her song list. She looks so ridiculous in her little dress and huge fishbowl head. But she keeps badgering him. The fishbowl magnifies her eyes and she looks like Little Orphan Annie. Bubbles appear around her mouth as she pleads to be freed from Gilbert and Sullivan. He asks her who chose Gilbert and Sullivan in the first place and she has to admit that she had. He says he is busy and slams the door shut then collapses in howling laughter.

***

Stu L and Alan push their way into the service. Stu L isn’t comfortable in a crowd of outsiders. They have an odd smell and his eyes are at the same level as their pelvises which makes for some awkward moments.

The minister stands up and tries to hush the crowd. “My people,” he says “we are living in a very exciting time. It will be a difficult time but mercifully a short time. We are about to be taken up into heaven for we are at the end of days. It was prophesied that our savior would return. There will be anguish but the righteous, that’s us, will be lifted up to eternal heaven on the backs of white horses. And here in front of us is living proof of the prophecy.” He points to Maria who shyly strokes her baby bump. Phil is beaming. Joseph looks at his shoes.

“The perfect human being from two generations of most liked. Our savior will be with us in three months time. Get your things in order. We’re going to the good place.”

Stu L follows Alan to his girlfriend Nora. She says that she has some beer at her apartment and that if they both give her 500 likes they can have sex.

***

Alan is driving Stu L back to Trump Tower. They are both silently thinking of Nora. “You’re very good at sex.” Stu L eventually says.

” Thanks,” Alan replies. “That was my second time. I think I’m improving.”

“Maybe you should try a different girl.”

“Oh. You want her to yourself.”

“No. I think it would be a good idea. Everybody needs new experiences. Besides, I’ll be heading back to Minnesota soon. I thought I was god but I’m not.”

“Don’t you want to stick around until the end? It won’t be long now until we’re riding our white horses up to heaven.”

“That isn’t going to happen.”

“Why not?”

“Horses can’t fly.”

“Maybe heaven isn’t in the sky.”

“Then where is it?”

“I don’t know. The minister always says up there. On a mountain maybe? Why don’t we ask my dad? He might  know.”

Alan does a quick uie and heads to his dad’s house. He rings the bell. Silence. “I know you’re there.” Alan shouts. “I’ve brought someone to see you. A batcher.”

A light comes on and the door opens.

Thomas is interested in Stu L and welcomes them politely but as soon as Alan mentions god he snaps. “How many times do I have to tell you that there is no god and no heaven? The whole idea is a human invention. It’s used by weak people to feel strong and by wicked people to prey on the weak.” 

“But who created everything?” Alan asks.

“Why who? Why not what?” Thomas barks. “Your questions are leading. You’re already thinking of a creator in human form or at least in a form that is comprehensible to humans. What nonsense.”

***

KaK arranges for the doctors to be transformed in four batches. Roger tells him that the doctors don’t need the little bodies, just the orbs will be fine and he wants them to be placed on shelves so that they can look at each other.

As they walk into the lab, one by one, the doctors make grim jokes about execution and abattoirs but they have all seen Miriam and they want some of that.

***

Stu L says his goodbyes to President Trump. As he straps on his jetpack he realizes that he had learned more in one week in Tampa than in one hundred years in Minnesota. Although he knows he isn’t god he decides that he will keep the gene and he will encourage some changes in Minnesota.

The other Batchers are relieved to have the old Stu L back and they eagerly listen to his stories. He tells them about the effects of beer and penis touching, culture and the search for the creator. They are interested in beer and penis touching but culture and the creator seems like a waste of time. Stu L thinks about giving everybody the  VMAT2 gene but remembers the problems it led to in the outsider world. Maybe when he has something to show them they will become enthusiastic. He starts to research. Surprisingly the automatons are way ahead of him. They know that the universe isn’t expanding from just one point. They also know that the physics of the universe is not the same as the physics of Earth. He is amazed at what Einstein and Hawking had accomplished with their small brains. He learns of the deep space probes and the incredible telescopes which are still operating. He is in awe but he doesn’t claim to see the face of god he thinks that when we understand where we are we will understand creation.